The Wedding March

Have recently slogged my way through two books, Virgin: The Untouched History, by Hanne Blank, and One Perfect Day: The Selling of an American Wedding, by Rebecca Mead.

Virgin covers the entire mythology surrounding virginity, including historical definitions, an explanation of why virginity was valued, a medical history (do you know the hymen wasn’t actually “discovered” until around the 14th century? not all women have them, and everyone's is different, making medical recognition difficult), and a contemporary history bringing us well into modern times.

Anyone who has ever read any historical novel with any female character knows that virginity was the gift of the woman’s family to the family of the groom – a testament to the father’s ability to control and raise his family in a proper fashion. And subsequently this became a Big Deal. At least in Europe, for the nobility, the deflowering of a noble bride took on embarrassing proportions (having courtiers watch, displaying of the bloodstained sheets, etc.). Consider too that the virginity of Queen Catherine of Aragon was the main “point” Henry VIII used to dispense of his wife of nearly twenty years – claiming that as she had been wed to his elder brother Arthur, she was not “intact” and therefore the marriage was not valid.

Time passes, and virginity becomes more of a symbol of purity and chastity. Women were meant to rise above the base urges of the flesh and remain pure until solidly married. For a woman, this made sense…loss of virginity could result in pregnancy, disease and death. Still in this century, there are cultures that murder women for failing to be virgins on their wedding nights (the book stresses that hymen reconstructive surgeries are very popular in the Middle East). Family was the cornerstone of society, and any thing that threatened that cornerstone was dealt with rather harshly.

So….anyone know a woman (or a man, for that matter) who was a virgin on their wedding night? I certainly don’t.

The traditional handing off of the bride to the groom by the bride’s father with the bride in her flowing white gown (thanks to Queen Victoria) no longer represents an exchange of chattel. Instead, it has been romanticized into “Daddy’s little girl is all grown up now”.

Weddings appear to be less about values and joining together in a life long partnership and more about one upping the couple next door. Do people really need to have monogrammed napkins for their wedding? Do you really need to invite 200 people?

I’ve only just started the One Perfect Day book but it does reinforce a lot of what I’ve been thinking for years. While it’s certainly fun to go to a “cost is no matter” wedding, I think the best ones I’ve been too were the most humble. Actually, both were second marriages: one on a paddleboat on a lake where the bride’s son served as her ‘escort’ down the aisle while her daughter escorted the groom, and the second was a beautiful garden wedding and reception at a bed and breakfast in Wilmington. Those were simple, family and close friends events and were breathtaking in their simplicity (these two couples are still married, btw, with more children on the way).

The other first weddings I’ve seen/been too seem to be growing larger and larger in scale and spectacle. Everything is catered, everyone has a wedding planner, everyone has a photographer and a videographer, a band, a dance floor, a florist, a seater, a greeter…you get the picture. Everything grows larger and larger with each wedding. Now the wedding itself is a spectacle akin to Barnum and Bailey’s annual visit. When did a wedding stop being about family and commitment and become more about showmanship? Why do people spend so much on a wedding?

I myself spent nothing, compared to today’s average of roughly $32,000 per wedding. That is enough money for a downpayment on a house…I cannot for the life of me rationalize spending that much money in one day (and believe me, I can spend some money). The x and I took all the money we had (after much frustrating local wedding planning) and got married in the Cayman’s, on a beach, with the justice of the peace and the photographer the only attendees. I had a $250 dress, and $15 shoes. The x wore an off the rack suit. It worked for us, and we got a wonderful vacation out of it.

Ladies, tell me your stories. I’m curious….I can’t envision spending so much on nothing (let’s face it…it’s no longer a life altering event). If you have, or know someone who did, can you explain to me why people do this?