My friend’s recent situation has brought back some memories…so part A is for my friend, and part B is for me (catharsis, and apologies if you’ve read before in a previous incarnation). Actually, it's for all my friends out there in readerville who have ever walked in these shoes.
****
You don’t know anything is wrong until the minute after you’ve put the key in the door.
You thought you were taking time apart to figure out “things”. You never in your wildest dreams (ok, maybe you did a tiny bit but quickly squelched it away so that it wouldn't make your pulse race) think that things might actually end. You certainly never contemplated it yourself. You didn’t even look at another person, so focused were you on fixing your relationship (the one you never knew was broken in the first place until the brokenness fell on you like a sudden summer squall).
And suddenly here you are. You cannot believe your eyes. The image they’ve captured is forever seared into your brain, to be replayed over and over again until you have analyzed and dissected every freckle, every scar, every stray hair, and every potential movement. You actually have dropped your keys on the floor, and are standing there in utter shock. Your stomach, at the precise moment THAT image was seared into your retina, has returned to it’s rightful position but is now tight, fluttery and threatening to jump out of your body. Do you fight or do you run? At this point, is it worth it when what you would fight for is so obviously gone?
So you take a deep breath, and turn, and go to the other room to begin packing your things. Dully, you walk to your car, unhearing, heedless. You will examine your real feelings later, but at the moment all you can think of is escape. You will mourn then, in private, where all the anguish of your destroyed hopes can be lanced out of your soul.
Just when you think you know someone. Now you think that you never really do know anyone.
Alternately.
Sort of asleep but not really, that twilight stage of sleep, when some noise or motion jolts you awake. You look at the clock – it is 2:55 A.M.- a positively indecent hour. You know without looking that your husband hasn’t come home yet, and you know that he won’t be able to get up and go to work in the morning yet again. Fumbling at the bedside table for glasses and phone, sitting up, turning on the television, you call his number. It actually rings (it isn’t turned off), and rings, and rings, and rings until you finally go to voicemail.
“Hi,” you say, “It’s me. It’s kinda late…can you call me and let me know that you are ok and when I can expect you home?” and you disconnect the phone and grab the remote.
At 3:15 A.M., you thought you heard a car door slam, so you flew to your window and looked out, although you knew your hopes were false because even the dogs didn’t stir. You say, ok, one more time, and dial his number. This time you go straight to voice mail, and you say, sweetly, “Your wife would like to know that you are ok, and she is lonely and cannot sleep without you here”.
It is now 4:10 A.M, and you are getting pissed off. Of all the inconsiderate, irresponsible, rude things to do. How are you to know he isn’t lying on the roadside dead somewhere, or maybe shot in a mugging, or in jail? So you call again.
“Damnit, at least have the consideration to call me back”.
You are ready to cry. Here you are, by yourself, in the bed you share with your husband, and rather than spend the night with you, he has chosen to go out. He has left you alone. Other people deserve his attention way more than you, his wife. In your heart, you know that he just isn’t with other people, he’s with another woman that has a lot more… allure than you do.
When your phone finally rings at 5:22 AM, your heart is in your throat. You are at this point extremely angry, but you know if you belabor the point it will end up…dénouement time, and you know you aren’t ready for the ending. You take a very deep breath, and answer as if you haven’t a care in the world.
“Hey! Why are you still up?” very cheerful.
“Oh, just wondering if the liquor laws have changed in this city and bars stay open until 5 now?” said brightly, as you exhale through your nose.
“Oh, no, we were at Club P and then we all went back to so and so’s and I passed out on his couch…why didn’t you call me??” he’s trying so hard to sound blasé that you know he is putting you on.
“Look, asshole, I did call you and you know it. Stop lying to me. I know you were with someone…who the fuck was it this time??” The phone suddenly goes dead, and you think to yourself that he’s deliberately hung up so as not to talk to you anymore.
Which is fine, it’s so late now you aren’t going to sleep, so you get dressed in a leisurely fashion, feed your dogs, and head out to work. That way you won’t be expected to kiss the mouth that smells suspiciously of mouthwash and handsoap, or cough up a quickie to satisfy whatever residual urge he has from the girl before, nor will you be tempted to scroll through his phone, or go through his pockets looking for receipts. Your heart knows where he was, if not who he was with, and that is enough.
20070531
20070530
Again, I’m sitting here getting ready to go to bed and pondering life. I know, it’s a bad habit and one I can’t seem to stop. No wonder I can never sleep.
Reading the two books I referenced earlier put me on the path of fidelity (marital or otherwise). Bear with me, for this is a long thought.
Starting with relationships; how many relationships do you know where one or the other partner is (at some point) unfaithful, be it a one time affair or a long standing situation? I’m sure we all know someone who has fallen into this category, as either party. Consider the modern long term relationship – usually the couple move in together, share expenses, make joint purchases, eat together, sleep together, go on vacation together. Yet this relationship lacks social permanency – i.e. a marriage or a domestic partnership. While the parties are both involved in leading a joint life, there can be that lingering sense of impermanence. After all, you aren’t married/partnered so you really can leave when you want, or make whatever decisions you want, or sleep with whom you want. Right?
It changes, of course, as you get older and really discover the meaning of the words trust and partnership. You have to trust your partner to be true to his or her word, and to help row the relationship boat (ah, such an overused metaphor) in the same mutually agreed upon direction. Your partner also has to reciprocate that trust. You have a partnership together – your relationship – that you have to invest in if you want it to mature successfully.
Now moving onto marriage, as you knew we would.
The modern spectacle of marriage occurs, in part (IMO), because the very organization that used to confer official marital status and social blessing (the Church) has now given way in many countries to the state. Largely, you have to go to some pedestrian civil office somewhere and pay a fee or get a blood test or attend some counseling and walk away with a marriage license. In Georgia (at least), the possession of the marriage license means you are already legally married. So a church ceremony for most denominations is no longer necessary. Also, church weddings have to adhere to certain guidelines set by their own governing authorities regarding what is or is not acceptable during a ceremony. As people lack the flexibility to express themselves, they turn to other venues and other types of officiants when expressing their marital vows.
Secondarily, church weddings are/were primarily a family affair. Think of the weddings you went to as a child – you went to a wedding of someone in your family who went to the same church. Your mother or your aunt or your older sister helped with the flowers, helped the bride, and other ladies from the congregation helped with the music, the food, and the guestbook. It involved everyone in the family in some capacity, and a number of members of the local community. The wedding has been, in modern times, all about the women of the family. Personally, I know of a few couples who have chosen the church based solely on the beauty of the sanctuary. Their families live in different cities, and they don’t know their neighbors. Americans in particular have a subconscious cultural message that praises individuals who leave the nest in order to pursue success. Why else would people move away from home in droves? I think with the loss of community and the loss of the closeness of the family, a wedding becomes less of a religious and spiritual joining in the presence of your loved ones and more of a Broadway musical. After all, you want to impress everyone you haven’t seen since you were thirteen with your beauty, your success, your wealth and your partner. It’s just a marital form of keeping up with the Joneses.
How am I getting to fidelity?
Don’t you think that because we no longer have the glue of family and community in an immediate geographic area, it becomes easier and easier for a relationship to go awry. There are, after all, no checks to the balances. If a partner is cheating, and your friends know, do you think the censure of your friends will carry as much weight as the censure of your father or the partner’s mother? I mean, we don’t have the stocks anymore, and no one is forced to wear a Scarlet Letter (more’s the pity, it would make identification SOOOO much easier). It’s this simple - there is no social pressure for couples to stay together.
Man, I just got some bad news about some friends who have decided (in a really brutal way) to end their decade long marriage. Ouch. I’m so sorry. What a terrible way to have your hopes dashed.
Back to the main idea: since there are no social repercussions to infidelity (really, one can always move or take a new job in this day and age), what makes people stay faithful? Is it trust and common interests? Or is it truly understanding what your actions (bad or good) do to your partner? Maybe good old fashioned love and respect? Your religious upbringing? The fear that your father in law will kick your ass if you screw it up? Your children?
For those who can’t seem to be faithful…at some point you thought your partner hung the moon. What changed? When did you start to put your happiness over your partners? Happiness is perhaps the wrong term. When did you start to value yourself over your partner? Are you looking for something you feel is missing? What makes you look rather than reinvest yourself in your relationship? And are you being really brutally honest with yourself? Are you being unfaithful and blaming your partner (the whole he/she drove me to it argument) for something you have failed to address within your own psyche?
Thoughts?
Reading the two books I referenced earlier put me on the path of fidelity (marital or otherwise). Bear with me, for this is a long thought.
Starting with relationships; how many relationships do you know where one or the other partner is (at some point) unfaithful, be it a one time affair or a long standing situation? I’m sure we all know someone who has fallen into this category, as either party. Consider the modern long term relationship – usually the couple move in together, share expenses, make joint purchases, eat together, sleep together, go on vacation together. Yet this relationship lacks social permanency – i.e. a marriage or a domestic partnership. While the parties are both involved in leading a joint life, there can be that lingering sense of impermanence. After all, you aren’t married/partnered so you really can leave when you want, or make whatever decisions you want, or sleep with whom you want. Right?
It changes, of course, as you get older and really discover the meaning of the words trust and partnership. You have to trust your partner to be true to his or her word, and to help row the relationship boat (ah, such an overused metaphor) in the same mutually agreed upon direction. Your partner also has to reciprocate that trust. You have a partnership together – your relationship – that you have to invest in if you want it to mature successfully.
Now moving onto marriage, as you knew we would.
The modern spectacle of marriage occurs, in part (IMO), because the very organization that used to confer official marital status and social blessing (the Church) has now given way in many countries to the state. Largely, you have to go to some pedestrian civil office somewhere and pay a fee or get a blood test or attend some counseling and walk away with a marriage license. In Georgia (at least), the possession of the marriage license means you are already legally married. So a church ceremony for most denominations is no longer necessary. Also, church weddings have to adhere to certain guidelines set by their own governing authorities regarding what is or is not acceptable during a ceremony. As people lack the flexibility to express themselves, they turn to other venues and other types of officiants when expressing their marital vows.
Secondarily, church weddings are/were primarily a family affair. Think of the weddings you went to as a child – you went to a wedding of someone in your family who went to the same church. Your mother or your aunt or your older sister helped with the flowers, helped the bride, and other ladies from the congregation helped with the music, the food, and the guestbook. It involved everyone in the family in some capacity, and a number of members of the local community. The wedding has been, in modern times, all about the women of the family. Personally, I know of a few couples who have chosen the church based solely on the beauty of the sanctuary. Their families live in different cities, and they don’t know their neighbors. Americans in particular have a subconscious cultural message that praises individuals who leave the nest in order to pursue success. Why else would people move away from home in droves? I think with the loss of community and the loss of the closeness of the family, a wedding becomes less of a religious and spiritual joining in the presence of your loved ones and more of a Broadway musical. After all, you want to impress everyone you haven’t seen since you were thirteen with your beauty, your success, your wealth and your partner. It’s just a marital form of keeping up with the Joneses.
How am I getting to fidelity?
Don’t you think that because we no longer have the glue of family and community in an immediate geographic area, it becomes easier and easier for a relationship to go awry. There are, after all, no checks to the balances. If a partner is cheating, and your friends know, do you think the censure of your friends will carry as much weight as the censure of your father or the partner’s mother? I mean, we don’t have the stocks anymore, and no one is forced to wear a Scarlet Letter (more’s the pity, it would make identification SOOOO much easier). It’s this simple - there is no social pressure for couples to stay together.
Man, I just got some bad news about some friends who have decided (in a really brutal way) to end their decade long marriage. Ouch. I’m so sorry. What a terrible way to have your hopes dashed.
Back to the main idea: since there are no social repercussions to infidelity (really, one can always move or take a new job in this day and age), what makes people stay faithful? Is it trust and common interests? Or is it truly understanding what your actions (bad or good) do to your partner? Maybe good old fashioned love and respect? Your religious upbringing? The fear that your father in law will kick your ass if you screw it up? Your children?
For those who can’t seem to be faithful…at some point you thought your partner hung the moon. What changed? When did you start to put your happiness over your partners? Happiness is perhaps the wrong term. When did you start to value yourself over your partner? Are you looking for something you feel is missing? What makes you look rather than reinvest yourself in your relationship? And are you being really brutally honest with yourself? Are you being unfaithful and blaming your partner (the whole he/she drove me to it argument) for something you have failed to address within your own psyche?
Thoughts?
Thiing's will be great when you're DownTown!
For anyone who has, or has ever been even remotely near a vagina....a must read.
A friend and I were frantically emailing back and forth the other day, wildly debating why women seem to always make the same types of mistakes in relationships or even friendships. Why don’t we ever learn? I mean, my friend and I are relatively self aware, and spend lots of time dissecting each other’s actions (hey, free therapy is awesome)….so why do we repeat and repeat the same mistakes? Better yet, you see other people making your mistakes…and you want to tell them to stop it! But do you?
Things brainwise are a bit disjointed this morning, so do forgive the snippets of actual thought I’m posting.
Still reading “One Perfect Day” and am continuously gobsmacked at the things I’m learning. Ladies…you do realize your $8000 dress was made in China by a seamstress who makes the equivalent of forty cents a day? And why are you spending that much money on something you wear for about six hours, dryclean, box up and either keep for your own daughter to haughtily disregard or try and sell it on Ebay? And what’s this thing with having two dresses, one for the wedding and one for the reception? Crass consumerism at it’s finest.
Things brainwise are a bit disjointed this morning, so do forgive the snippets of actual thought I’m posting.
Still reading “One Perfect Day” and am continuously gobsmacked at the things I’m learning. Ladies…you do realize your $8000 dress was made in China by a seamstress who makes the equivalent of forty cents a day? And why are you spending that much money on something you wear for about six hours, dryclean, box up and either keep for your own daughter to haughtily disregard or try and sell it on Ebay? And what’s this thing with having two dresses, one for the wedding and one for the reception? Crass consumerism at it’s finest.
20070529
Just When You Thought It was Safe to Go Back In the Water!
Amazing, isn't it?
Time has passed; you've walked away from an event, a relationship, a job loss, a death...and you've gotten to a point where you t hink you are fine, you are totally normal, and you can handle with grace and aplomb whatever comes next.
How wrong can you possibly be?
What I myself have been completely and utterly disregarding is the fact that your history (or baggage, some may say) is part and parcel of who you are. Sad, but true. The death of a loved one changes you forever. Being fired or laid off certainly effects your self esteem and general well being. A betrayal by a partner can leave you full of bitterness and self loathing.
And yet we like to think we can simply "get over it". You can't. In order to move on, you have to accept those things, absorb those lessons or feelings or thoughts or instincts, and make them part of who you are.
I can't help but wonder if my own absorption of life's lessons doesn't somehow cripple me?
Time has passed; you've walked away from an event, a relationship, a job loss, a death...and you've gotten to a point where you t hink you are fine, you are totally normal, and you can handle with grace and aplomb whatever comes next.
How wrong can you possibly be?
What I myself have been completely and utterly disregarding is the fact that your history (or baggage, some may say) is part and parcel of who you are. Sad, but true. The death of a loved one changes you forever. Being fired or laid off certainly effects your self esteem and general well being. A betrayal by a partner can leave you full of bitterness and self loathing.
And yet we like to think we can simply "get over it". You can't. In order to move on, you have to accept those things, absorb those lessons or feelings or thoughts or instincts, and make them part of who you are.
I can't help but wonder if my own absorption of life's lessons doesn't somehow cripple me?
The Wedding March
Have recently slogged my way through two books, Virgin: The Untouched History, by Hanne Blank, and One Perfect Day: The Selling of an American Wedding, by Rebecca Mead.
Virgin covers the entire mythology surrounding virginity, including historical definitions, an explanation of why virginity was valued, a medical history (do you know the hymen wasn’t actually “discovered” until around the 14th century? not all women have them, and everyone's is different, making medical recognition difficult), and a contemporary history bringing us well into modern times.
Anyone who has ever read any historical novel with any female character knows that virginity was the gift of the woman’s family to the family of the groom – a testament to the father’s ability to control and raise his family in a proper fashion. And subsequently this became a Big Deal. At least in Europe, for the nobility, the deflowering of a noble bride took on embarrassing proportions (having courtiers watch, displaying of the bloodstained sheets, etc.). Consider too that the virginity of Queen Catherine of Aragon was the main “point” Henry VIII used to dispense of his wife of nearly twenty years – claiming that as she had been wed to his elder brother Arthur, she was not “intact” and therefore the marriage was not valid.
Time passes, and virginity becomes more of a symbol of purity and chastity. Women were meant to rise above the base urges of the flesh and remain pure until solidly married. For a woman, this made sense…loss of virginity could result in pregnancy, disease and death. Still in this century, there are cultures that murder women for failing to be virgins on their wedding nights (the book stresses that hymen reconstructive surgeries are very popular in the Middle East). Family was the cornerstone of society, and any thing that threatened that cornerstone was dealt with rather harshly.
So….anyone know a woman (or a man, for that matter) who was a virgin on their wedding night? I certainly don’t.
The traditional handing off of the bride to the groom by the bride’s father with the bride in her flowing white gown (thanks to Queen Victoria) no longer represents an exchange of chattel. Instead, it has been romanticized into “Daddy’s little girl is all grown up now”.
Weddings appear to be less about values and joining together in a life long partnership and more about one upping the couple next door. Do people really need to have monogrammed napkins for their wedding? Do you really need to invite 200 people?
I’ve only just started the One Perfect Day book but it does reinforce a lot of what I’ve been thinking for years. While it’s certainly fun to go to a “cost is no matter” wedding, I think the best ones I’ve been too were the most humble. Actually, both were second marriages: one on a paddleboat on a lake where the bride’s son served as her ‘escort’ down the aisle while her daughter escorted the groom, and the second was a beautiful garden wedding and reception at a bed and breakfast in Wilmington. Those were simple, family and close friends events and were breathtaking in their simplicity (these two couples are still married, btw, with more children on the way).
The other first weddings I’ve seen/been too seem to be growing larger and larger in scale and spectacle. Everything is catered, everyone has a wedding planner, everyone has a photographer and a videographer, a band, a dance floor, a florist, a seater, a greeter…you get the picture. Everything grows larger and larger with each wedding. Now the wedding itself is a spectacle akin to Barnum and Bailey’s annual visit. When did a wedding stop being about family and commitment and become more about showmanship? Why do people spend so much on a wedding?
I myself spent nothing, compared to today’s average of roughly $32,000 per wedding. That is enough money for a downpayment on a house…I cannot for the life of me rationalize spending that much money in one day (and believe me, I can spend some money). The x and I took all the money we had (after much frustrating local wedding planning) and got married in the Cayman’s, on a beach, with the justice of the peace and the photographer the only attendees. I had a $250 dress, and $15 shoes. The x wore an off the rack suit. It worked for us, and we got a wonderful vacation out of it.
Ladies, tell me your stories. I’m curious….I can’t envision spending so much on nothing (let’s face it…it’s no longer a life altering event). If you have, or know someone who did, can you explain to me why people do this?
Virgin covers the entire mythology surrounding virginity, including historical definitions, an explanation of why virginity was valued, a medical history (do you know the hymen wasn’t actually “discovered” until around the 14th century? not all women have them, and everyone's is different, making medical recognition difficult), and a contemporary history bringing us well into modern times.
Anyone who has ever read any historical novel with any female character knows that virginity was the gift of the woman’s family to the family of the groom – a testament to the father’s ability to control and raise his family in a proper fashion. And subsequently this became a Big Deal. At least in Europe, for the nobility, the deflowering of a noble bride took on embarrassing proportions (having courtiers watch, displaying of the bloodstained sheets, etc.). Consider too that the virginity of Queen Catherine of Aragon was the main “point” Henry VIII used to dispense of his wife of nearly twenty years – claiming that as she had been wed to his elder brother Arthur, she was not “intact” and therefore the marriage was not valid.
Time passes, and virginity becomes more of a symbol of purity and chastity. Women were meant to rise above the base urges of the flesh and remain pure until solidly married. For a woman, this made sense…loss of virginity could result in pregnancy, disease and death. Still in this century, there are cultures that murder women for failing to be virgins on their wedding nights (the book stresses that hymen reconstructive surgeries are very popular in the Middle East). Family was the cornerstone of society, and any thing that threatened that cornerstone was dealt with rather harshly.
So….anyone know a woman (or a man, for that matter) who was a virgin on their wedding night? I certainly don’t.
The traditional handing off of the bride to the groom by the bride’s father with the bride in her flowing white gown (thanks to Queen Victoria) no longer represents an exchange of chattel. Instead, it has been romanticized into “Daddy’s little girl is all grown up now”.
Weddings appear to be less about values and joining together in a life long partnership and more about one upping the couple next door. Do people really need to have monogrammed napkins for their wedding? Do you really need to invite 200 people?
I’ve only just started the One Perfect Day book but it does reinforce a lot of what I’ve been thinking for years. While it’s certainly fun to go to a “cost is no matter” wedding, I think the best ones I’ve been too were the most humble. Actually, both were second marriages: one on a paddleboat on a lake where the bride’s son served as her ‘escort’ down the aisle while her daughter escorted the groom, and the second was a beautiful garden wedding and reception at a bed and breakfast in Wilmington. Those were simple, family and close friends events and were breathtaking in their simplicity (these two couples are still married, btw, with more children on the way).
The other first weddings I’ve seen/been too seem to be growing larger and larger in scale and spectacle. Everything is catered, everyone has a wedding planner, everyone has a photographer and a videographer, a band, a dance floor, a florist, a seater, a greeter…you get the picture. Everything grows larger and larger with each wedding. Now the wedding itself is a spectacle akin to Barnum and Bailey’s annual visit. When did a wedding stop being about family and commitment and become more about showmanship? Why do people spend so much on a wedding?
I myself spent nothing, compared to today’s average of roughly $32,000 per wedding. That is enough money for a downpayment on a house…I cannot for the life of me rationalize spending that much money in one day (and believe me, I can spend some money). The x and I took all the money we had (after much frustrating local wedding planning) and got married in the Cayman’s, on a beach, with the justice of the peace and the photographer the only attendees. I had a $250 dress, and $15 shoes. The x wore an off the rack suit. It worked for us, and we got a wonderful vacation out of it.
Ladies, tell me your stories. I’m curious….I can’t envision spending so much on nothing (let’s face it…it’s no longer a life altering event). If you have, or know someone who did, can you explain to me why people do this?
Commiserations
Having poolside cocktails with LG and others yesterday for Memorial Day, and an off comment got me thinking.
What do you say to someone who has just come out of a relationship?
Based on yesterday’s conversations, it seems they fall into a few categories:
1. Insincere apologies.
2. Insincere flattery
3. Telling one or both of the parties any malicious gossip that has ever occurred during the course of the relationship regarding one or both of the parties.
4. Pretending it never happened.
5. Lastly, the ever famous “you can do better”
Is there some magic formula for post break up etiquette? It seems that we want to simultaneously bolster the dumped one while vilifying the one who did the dumping. Why is that? Why do some folks feel the need to tell the dumped one every single bad story they’ve ever heart about the dumpee? Are they trying in some twisted way to make the dumped one feel better?
What do you say to someone who has just come out of a relationship?
Based on yesterday’s conversations, it seems they fall into a few categories:
1. Insincere apologies.
2. Insincere flattery
3. Telling one or both of the parties any malicious gossip that has ever occurred during the course of the relationship regarding one or both of the parties.
4. Pretending it never happened.
5. Lastly, the ever famous “you can do better”
Is there some magic formula for post break up etiquette? It seems that we want to simultaneously bolster the dumped one while vilifying the one who did the dumping. Why is that? Why do some folks feel the need to tell the dumped one every single bad story they’ve ever heart about the dumpee? Are they trying in some twisted way to make the dumped one feel better?
20070525
Last One to the Party
As always, yours truly.
YouTube. Have spent a fascinating hour looking for random videos. Who knew my favorite band had videos? Unfortunately, they aren't very good. Except the one with the Chieftan's (Lukey). However, the concert footage folks have uploaded ROCKS. Well, some of it does. Some of it makes the video I took on my shitty phone look like a Picasso.
Ok, I can't take it anymore. I'm overwhelmed with coolness.
YouTube. Have spent a fascinating hour looking for random videos. Who knew my favorite band had videos? Unfortunately, they aren't very good. Except the one with the Chieftan's (Lukey). However, the concert footage folks have uploaded ROCKS. Well, some of it does. Some of it makes the video I took on my shitty phone look like a Picasso.
Ok, I can't take it anymore. I'm overwhelmed with coolness.
20070522
Story of (your) life
So...what is the narrative of your life? Who are you? What makes you...you? Can you point to a particular trait and say "I know where this came from"?
I think that everyone you talk to has a different perception of you. You are yourself at the core. It's like....color. Someone looks at the sky and see blue and someone else looks at it and sees azure. To someone you might come across as shallow, while to another person you might be the most fascinating person on the planet.
Don't you think this explains why you might like someone while someone else can't stand them?
So what is your story?
I think that everyone you talk to has a different perception of you. You are yourself at the core. It's like....color. Someone looks at the sky and see blue and someone else looks at it and sees azure. To someone you might come across as shallow, while to another person you might be the most fascinating person on the planet.
Don't you think this explains why you might like someone while someone else can't stand them?
So what is your story?
Clothes Maketh the Man
Again, the genesis for this post comes out of last week’s conference….
Do you make judgments about people based on the way they are dressed? Do you ascribe certain behaviors to people because of what they wear?
I’m quite curious, actually.
I have reached a point in my life where I generally don’t care what others think of my clothing (unless I look like a real tart, or fat, and in that case I expect to hear about it). I admit, I wear things that are quite different. Flamboyant, even. It’s part and parcel of who I am. I use my clothing to express my creative outlet, but I try and do it in such a way as to be “proper”. I wear things that normal people don’t wear. I don’t shop at Talbots, or Ann Taylor…as respectable as I come would be Banana and Macy’s. I buy a lot of stuff online, from alternate clothing people, because it’s different. Only once have I gone to an event and had someone else wear the same shirt! That’s not bad for 33 years!
Oh, I went through all the phases. I had Morticia Addams hair. I had purple hair. I had a bob (my favorite). I had bangs. I had fake nails. I was plump, I got skinny. I went from a “I don’t wear pants ever because they make my ass and stomach look fat” to “I wear jeans all the damn time”. I even owned a pair of Birkenstocks (that was the year I didn’t shave my legs, which was nasty and resembled an overgrown Berber carpet). At one point my eyebrows were so bushy I looked like Sam the Eagle (and when I discovered waxing I started having that no eyebrow look).
I did try, about two years ago, to rework my entire wardrobe. I have suits hanging in my closet that were worn for one year, and then abandoned (even though they still fit). I tried not to color my hair, and wear less makeup, and abandon my extra set of ear piercings. I bought high heels and coordinating purses. I tried to buy things outside of my normal blacks, browns and reds. I bought pink suits, and sky blue suits and other hideous pastels. I wore pantyhose.
And you know what? Can’t turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I did not like my new conservative look because it wasn’t really me. I felt stunted creatively and emotionally walking around in someone else’s clothing, like I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. Those were the years coming out of my marriage where I was going as far away from myself and my history as possible. I just…took it to an extreme.
So now I’ve found my own style, and it’s different. Sometimes people make fun of me, but I get a surprising number of comments from people on my fashion sense. Who knows, they COULD all be making fun of me but I like to think they aren’t.
After all, I see no point in being a lemming…I like being different because I am :-)
Do you make judgments about people based on the way they are dressed? Do you ascribe certain behaviors to people because of what they wear?
I’m quite curious, actually.
I have reached a point in my life where I generally don’t care what others think of my clothing (unless I look like a real tart, or fat, and in that case I expect to hear about it). I admit, I wear things that are quite different. Flamboyant, even. It’s part and parcel of who I am. I use my clothing to express my creative outlet, but I try and do it in such a way as to be “proper”. I wear things that normal people don’t wear. I don’t shop at Talbots, or Ann Taylor…as respectable as I come would be Banana and Macy’s. I buy a lot of stuff online, from alternate clothing people, because it’s different. Only once have I gone to an event and had someone else wear the same shirt! That’s not bad for 33 years!
Oh, I went through all the phases. I had Morticia Addams hair. I had purple hair. I had a bob (my favorite). I had bangs. I had fake nails. I was plump, I got skinny. I went from a “I don’t wear pants ever because they make my ass and stomach look fat” to “I wear jeans all the damn time”. I even owned a pair of Birkenstocks (that was the year I didn’t shave my legs, which was nasty and resembled an overgrown Berber carpet). At one point my eyebrows were so bushy I looked like Sam the Eagle (and when I discovered waxing I started having that no eyebrow look).
I did try, about two years ago, to rework my entire wardrobe. I have suits hanging in my closet that were worn for one year, and then abandoned (even though they still fit). I tried not to color my hair, and wear less makeup, and abandon my extra set of ear piercings. I bought high heels and coordinating purses. I tried to buy things outside of my normal blacks, browns and reds. I bought pink suits, and sky blue suits and other hideous pastels. I wore pantyhose.
And you know what? Can’t turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I did not like my new conservative look because it wasn’t really me. I felt stunted creatively and emotionally walking around in someone else’s clothing, like I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. Those were the years coming out of my marriage where I was going as far away from myself and my history as possible. I just…took it to an extreme.
So now I’ve found my own style, and it’s different. Sometimes people make fun of me, but I get a surprising number of comments from people on my fashion sense. Who knows, they COULD all be making fun of me but I like to think they aren’t.
After all, I see no point in being a lemming…I like being different because I am :-)
20070521
MySpace
Ah, the virtual haunt of millions of horny teenagers and other adolescents everywhere. Playground of sexual predators, and just plain old assholes. Spawner of other sites like...Facebook. Adding a new layer of the popularity contest to teenagers across the world.
I know the end is near now.
John McCain has a MySpace page.
I know the end is near now.
John McCain has a MySpace page.
Monday
Well, amongst other general housecleaning tasks I have finally removed my ex husband as the beneficiary of my various life insurance and retirement plans at work. Only three years later!
Two people I know got engaged this weekend – hooray for them! Judging by the announcements section in our local rag yesterday, it must be the season for engagements and weddings. I myself got engaged (the first time) in February, near Valentine’s Day, and the second time on my back porch sometime in the summer.
I am thinking too much today and working myself into a state of twitterpation. It’s quite silly too – but then again I’ve never been one to rule my emotions with an iron hand. Or at all.
As you can see, I’ve nothing to say to you today. I was going to yammer on about the excellent article I read about Edward Hopper in The New Yorker, but I won’t. I was going to tell you about this book I read yesterday about a journalist whose sister is murdered, but I won’t. I’m sitting here dreaming of my hammock, and of my upcoming trip to the beach.
Two people I know got engaged this weekend – hooray for them! Judging by the announcements section in our local rag yesterday, it must be the season for engagements and weddings. I myself got engaged (the first time) in February, near Valentine’s Day, and the second time on my back porch sometime in the summer.
I am thinking too much today and working myself into a state of twitterpation. It’s quite silly too – but then again I’ve never been one to rule my emotions with an iron hand. Or at all.
As you can see, I’ve nothing to say to you today. I was going to yammer on about the excellent article I read about Edward Hopper in The New Yorker, but I won’t. I was going to tell you about this book I read yesterday about a journalist whose sister is murdered, but I won’t. I’m sitting here dreaming of my hammock, and of my upcoming trip to the beach.
20070519
Tonight's Words of Wisdom Are
Don't drink an entire bottle of Chianti Riserva by yourself.
It's been 24 hours since I finished it and I STILL feel like shit. Go figure.
It's been 24 hours since I finished it and I STILL feel like shit. Go figure.
20070517
Well, I'm back. Largely in one piece and FUCKING TIRED!
It was a great conference, and I met loads of women from our businesses across the globe. I made a bunch of great networking connections. My one complaint, and it is a big one, is that your only personal time was when you were asleep. Yesterday's agenda started at seven thirty in the morning and ran until six. You had thirty minutes at the hotel before the bus picked you up to take you to the team building dinner thingie and we didn't get back until eleven. Again this morning up on the bus at seven fifteen through until two. Tuesday was the same as yesterday. Tiring. No time to run, or to work, or anything.
Some of the speakers I could have cared less about, but a few were really interesting. We had the Director of Engineering at Google come and speak to us, and some ladies from MasterCard, and a bunch of internal folks.
I did have a major realization - the only person standing in the way of me is....me. This has motivated me to get my ass back in gear, and reminded me that I am actually ambitious. Those of you who know me IRL know that I am pretty well financially screwed as a result of a divorce and my bad habit of remodeling my house constantly. I'm digging my way out, but I had decided to stop going to school for a while until I got out from under some debt. Well, screw that. If I really really load up, I can be done in a little over a year...and I figured the difference between tuition reimbursement and my own pocket with my projected hour rate comes out to be 3900. I think I can take out a school loan for 3900. It won't kill me. And I have to finish school.
I also think I'm going to take a language class or two, because those are things I enjoy. I'm going to go back to the gym and pay for a personal trainer - I'm more inclined to go and use something if NOT using it makes me feel like I'm losing money. Shit, I spent all week with skinny Eastern European women (did I mention beautiful as well?), I need to get my ass back in there.
So the house can stay on hold for a while. I can live with it. I think I can take six classes a semester - it will be tight, but I can do it. I pretty much have to...I've finally figured that I can't make it any higher in the organization without freaking finishing school.
The one great thing? I changed my flight coming home and got upgraded to first class!!!!
It was a great conference, and I met loads of women from our businesses across the globe. I made a bunch of great networking connections. My one complaint, and it is a big one, is that your only personal time was when you were asleep. Yesterday's agenda started at seven thirty in the morning and ran until six. You had thirty minutes at the hotel before the bus picked you up to take you to the team building dinner thingie and we didn't get back until eleven. Again this morning up on the bus at seven fifteen through until two. Tuesday was the same as yesterday. Tiring. No time to run, or to work, or anything.
Some of the speakers I could have cared less about, but a few were really interesting. We had the Director of Engineering at Google come and speak to us, and some ladies from MasterCard, and a bunch of internal folks.
I did have a major realization - the only person standing in the way of me is....me. This has motivated me to get my ass back in gear, and reminded me that I am actually ambitious. Those of you who know me IRL know that I am pretty well financially screwed as a result of a divorce and my bad habit of remodeling my house constantly. I'm digging my way out, but I had decided to stop going to school for a while until I got out from under some debt. Well, screw that. If I really really load up, I can be done in a little over a year...and I figured the difference between tuition reimbursement and my own pocket with my projected hour rate comes out to be 3900. I think I can take out a school loan for 3900. It won't kill me. And I have to finish school.
I also think I'm going to take a language class or two, because those are things I enjoy. I'm going to go back to the gym and pay for a personal trainer - I'm more inclined to go and use something if NOT using it makes me feel like I'm losing money. Shit, I spent all week with skinny Eastern European women (did I mention beautiful as well?), I need to get my ass back in there.
So the house can stay on hold for a while. I can live with it. I think I can take six classes a semester - it will be tight, but I can do it. I pretty much have to...I've finally figured that I can't make it any higher in the organization without freaking finishing school.
The one great thing? I changed my flight coming home and got upgraded to first class!!!!
20070516
The Wilde Blye Yonder
Ah, the joys of air travel.
Hartsfield Jackson has the dubious distinction of being the world's busiest airport. One can certainly tell. With the loss of 100 plus uniforms and security badges, security was extra tight on Monday. It took me about forty five minutes to get through security, which was queued up back through the atrium in four separate lines. Of course, once I GOT to the screening thingie, my belt set it off.....
Got to the plane. Harbinger of bad things to come, much like LG the man seated in the middle seat refused to get up to let me get into my seat, forcing me to climb over him. He was, I think, masquerading as a superhero of some sort (the Antithesis of Mr. Emily Post!).
Instead, he turned out to be a man of the stealthy sort. He turned out to be Indeterminate Asain Farting Man. Ah, now, he was asleep most of the flight. He smelt of rotten cabbage. It actually burnt my nose hairs!!!!!!
Why me?
Hartsfield Jackson has the dubious distinction of being the world's busiest airport. One can certainly tell. With the loss of 100 plus uniforms and security badges, security was extra tight on Monday. It took me about forty five minutes to get through security, which was queued up back through the atrium in four separate lines. Of course, once I GOT to the screening thingie, my belt set it off.....
Got to the plane. Harbinger of bad things to come, much like LG the man seated in the middle seat refused to get up to let me get into my seat, forcing me to climb over him. He was, I think, masquerading as a superhero of some sort (the Antithesis of Mr. Emily Post!).
Instead, he turned out to be a man of the stealthy sort. He turned out to be Indeterminate Asain Farting Man. Ah, now, he was asleep most of the flight. He smelt of rotten cabbage. It actually burnt my nose hairs!!!!!!
Why me?
20070513
20070512
Mothers and Monsters
Every year (tomorrow) millions of families across the United States will celebrate Mother’s Day. Lunches have been arranged, spa certificates purchased, jewelry is purchased, flowers will be delivered; children will make hand made cards and bring their mothers breakfast in bed. The day is a wonderful celebration of one of nature’s most natural events, and should indeed be celebrated.
This post is not for those happy families.
This post is for the parent’s of Maddy McCann. Mrs. McCann – please do not listen to the critical voices claiming you made a mistake in leaving your child in your home. The distance between the place where you were having dinner and where your children lay sleeping is the distance between my backyard and the street. Many, many other parents have lost children to abduction when the parents were physically present (Klaas, Smart, Walsh). The devil is everywhere.
While I myself do not have two footed children, I find myself thinking of the mothers in the world who have lost their children. I find myself thinking of Maddy’s mother, and her grief and uncertainty and (surely) self doubt she finds herself dwelling in since Maddy’s abduction. I think of the other British woman who lost her son to abduction years ago in Greece. I think of the mothers married to foreign nationals whom upon divorce whisk their children back to their native countries, never to be heard from again. I think of the mother of Polly Klaas, abducted, molested and killed during a slumber party at her own home. I think of the mothers of the children killed in Amish country earlier this year. I think of the mother of Cho Seung Hi, and how desperate she felt during her son’s entire life, and how she must feel now. Perhaps she is thinking to herself that she failed as a parent. I think of the mother whose three year old son has finally been declared cancer free. I think of the mothers of the children who go missing, never to be heard from again. I think of the mother of a newborn found in a gym bag on a roadside recently in Atlanta. I think of the mother of the child who died because the parents were vegan and didn’t understand that you can’t raise a child well on a vegan diet. The mother of an adolescent child, abducted and held as a crazy man’s second “bride” for years. The mother of Senate intern Chandra Levy. The mother of Lacy Peterson, and poor Lacy herself.
These are mothers who will never see their child again, never kiss their child good night or tuck them into bed. Mothers who will never see their children grow, and mothers for whom those children are forever suspended in time. Mothers who will never see the loss of baby teeth, mothers who will never suffer through Chicken Pox, or the agonies of their child’s first love, or see their children grow to have children of their own. Even the thought breaks my heart; I do not see how one could suffer such a loss and not go mad with grief. How can you bear to think of your lost child without wondering endlessly what you could have done to prevent it? What decisions could you have made differently that would have impacted the outcome? What a vicious (and dangerous) circle that could be!
Ladies, this is for you. Please know that on this day you are not forgotten. Your children are not forgotten. They continue to live through you, and your actions and even the continuity of your daily life are a testament to your love of your child. Even with the loss of a child, you are still a mother. You deserve to celebrate too, and we celebrate with you in remembrance of all you have lost.
As for the monsters who took these children for their own evil purposes; you know who you are. Your day or reckoning too will come.
20070510
InfoTainmentMmercials
Let's see...from last night's insomnia....
"Do you know that the average person carries up to 15 pounds of toxic fecal matter in their colon?" This would be at...five thirty seven am.
"Riding 'The Horse' was the best ab workout I've ever had! The rocking motion really stimulates my (ummm????) abs!"
"Only twenty cents a day can save a child from poverty".
I'm still stuck on caked on fecal matter...sorry....why is this even on TV? What a bunch of hooey. The miracle cleanse isn't anything but a bunch of herbs and FIBER...and they want a couple hundred for it. Who calls in to these things? Is this all fake, and the callers are all scripted? Now we're onto a lady who has always had bad skin but is on the cleanse program and now has good skin and lost fifteen pounds!!!!
"Do you know that the average person carries up to 15 pounds of toxic fecal matter in their colon?" This would be at...five thirty seven am.
"Riding 'The Horse' was the best ab workout I've ever had! The rocking motion really stimulates my (ummm????) abs!"
"Only twenty cents a day can save a child from poverty".
I'm still stuck on caked on fecal matter...sorry....why is this even on TV? What a bunch of hooey. The miracle cleanse isn't anything but a bunch of herbs and FIBER...and they want a couple hundred for it. Who calls in to these things? Is this all fake, and the callers are all scripted? Now we're onto a lady who has always had bad skin but is on the cleanse program and now has good skin and lost fifteen pounds!!!!
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