I swan...why did I have to be born a girl? I really, really have to pee and am stuck on a call and can't go. If I were a man I could just discreetly piss in my empty water bottle. Sigh. My kidneys are screaming at the host person of the teleconference; shut up already!!!!

Work is evil and should be abolished on days as beautiful as today. The Constitution should be amended to declare “Work shall be abolished on sunny and warm spring workdays”…of course, this would lead to other amendments about who had the right to wear thongs, Hawaiian shirts, and Speedos.

Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Have you been to the beach lately? It’s a great way to feel better about yourself…beach people watching. Do you think people actually ever look at themselves in their swimwear? Honestly, folks…if you have fat wrinkles or fat rolls, please put on a shirt or wear a one piece! Dress with dignity!

I’ve toyed with the idea of getting a nose stud for a few years now. My LilSis had one, and I always thought it was cool and surprisingly elegant. Hah! I could be hip! I’d have a little nose stud, dye my hair lavender, wear a black beret and Doc Martens to work! It would be just like….high school. Oh. Yuck.

So I asked my boss what he thought. Then I asked a former boss what he thought. They both said “no way!”. But, says the troublemaking imp that resides within me, how come the ‘minorities’ in the office aren’t penalized for it?

Well, they both say, that’s different. That’s part of their culture, and since we are a company that prides itself on diversity we have to respect their customs.

Oh.

Let me get this right: it’s ok for my fellow coworkers to wear a nose stud (Indian or African American) but it’s not ok for me because I’m a white girl of scotch/English/irish descent? What gives?

I could have a great deal of fun with these rules. I could do all sorts of nifty inappropriate things and say “well, this is how my people do it”. I could…drink booze at work…or eat fish and chips and wander around exclaiming “bloody hell”…or…walk around and mumble in a language that sort of sounds like English but maybe if a whale spoke it? Except David Tennant. He makes Scotland sexy!

White girls have no culture. We’re merely the by blow of centuries of dead white men culture. Largely, we don’t golf or smoke cigars, so that’s out the window. We might get a tattoo or two or four, but that’s a global custom. Uh…white girl culture, white girl culture…we spend too much on shoes and brow waxes? I think the only thing that is strictly ours is the Feminist Movement. I don't think anyone in Sub Saharan Africa has that as a part of their cultural identity.

It was made very clear to me that if I walked in with a nose ring it would COMPLETELY hinder my ability to rise up in the company. Former Boss #1 said that no one would take me seriously, as they’d all be staring at my nose stud. Funny, I don’t hear the Indian ladies in the office making that complaint.

Doesn’t that strike you as odd?