Ah, the joys of adulthood.

During my annual "girl" exam, my ob/gyn recommended, as we were sitting in the office post examination, three things: a cholesterol test, a baseline mammogram, and a colonoscopy.

I cringe. I had a cholesterol test when I was a kid, along with my first pelvic, and since I was totally ignorant about what happened at either, I ate Chick Fil A two hours before my test (oops).

My numbers were outrageous. This led two a two year period of no cheese, and cutting all fat off meat (something I still do to this day, although I do eat cheese like a fucking mouse. A Fat Mouse, at that).

But two things I didn't understand, really, were the boob and ass check. I don't have any boobs to smoosh. Baseline mammograms are ok around thirty five, it happens, but that's kinda young. I only smoked for four years in my whole life, and not consecutively. I don't tan. There's no history of any other kind of cancer in my family, outside of Carol. Ass check? Especially discomfiting given that I had just had the "digital rectal exam". Was something found? (what was running through my doctors brain? "what the fuck did I just find up this girl's butt? seriously? is that an alien? OH MY GOD@!!H!H!%@^!&%(@!"). And when I am thinking, and it's about something that makes me uncomfortable, I hold my thoughts until I can (hah hah) digest them, and then I think about it.

I didn't want to think about this at all, and now only five months later I've decided to face the music....but my insurance company won't pay for it unless there is either a) compelling medical reason or b) family history. There's no family history of ass cancer, so now I've had to phone the nurses at the office and ask them to pull my history. I've left a polite voice mail "please pull my chart and call and let me know if there is a notation after the digital rectal exam that is cause for concern, or ask if the doctor is recommending this test for a REASON, otherwise I will not be having this procedure done".

What finally made me realize that I should stop procrastinating?

I didn't want to take the chance that my epitaph would say:

"Here Lies Eliza. She died of ass cancer."