Lies Straight from Your TV

I have news for you folks out there in reader land. Women do not sit around and have the following discussions.

"Suzy? Do you sometimes feel...irregular? You know..." glances at flat stomach encased in trendy jogging wear.

"Oh yes," Suzy chirps, as she unclips her iPod earbuds from her diamond stud encrusted ears, "I used to all the time until I started eating twice daily Bacteria!"

Note: Women under the age of 65 do not sit around and discuss bowel health.

Another favorite:

"Well, look who's here!"

"I KNOW, like this time last month, I SO totally would not have made it, you know? I would have just wanted to stay home and eat Haagen Das, and wear sweat pants, and cry and play with my cats and bleed to death, but now I'm on this new hormone called Spaz, and it gets rid of all my PPMD!!! It's so totally tubular!"

Note: Hot women do not go to parties and discuss outloud hormone problems or birth control.

I won't touch the Cialis or Viagra ones. I think at this point (ha ha) I've flogged that horse to death.

"What's the matter Harry?"

"Aw, Pookie, I'm worried about the kids. I can't sleep" Harry wanders off into the kitchen, belly poking out beneath his tshirt and picks up a magazine. "Huh, life insurance...now there's an idea. Suppose I die early of some kind of catastrophic diaster. Maybe I get impaled by a pine log that flies off the back of a truck on the highway, or crushed by some rebar that got hit by a semi and flipped over the median to land on top of my car, or maybe I get caught in a tornado and a bee gets forced into my eye and into the middle of my brain and I DIE. Would my wife and kids have any money? Maybe I should look into this life insurance thing"

Rule: Is there a rule for this one? Or is this about as silly as bears dancing around looking for toilet paper?

Other fallacies of television:

- buying that perfume will not ensure you wake up snuggling a cute baby and a hot man. Save your $100.

- really and truly, there is no shampoo that makes your hair look like a piece of silk. The cheap shit that smells bad cleans just as well as the expensive shit that smells good.

- high colonics have no medical value. Nor does taking a supplement to increase the size of your poop.

- tv wants you to think that there are people out there who are too ugly or too fat to have sex. Not true. Have you looked outside your front door lately? 'nuff said.

- beautiful people are happy. Yeah, beautiful people might look good, but that doesn't keep you warm when you are 80. Nice people are much better.

- you are not going to make money going to real estate or car auctions and then "flipping" what you buy. You'll end up bankrupt.

- the ablounger does not give you a flat stomach. Proper diet and exercise do that, not doing a million ablounger crunches a day.

- those period commericals where you have the woman going "ow" (for cramps), or moaning (because her pants are too tight), or holding her head (because she has a headache) are nothing like really having PMS or a period. And while we're here? If you have a yeast or bv infection, you don't look like a wannabe chav in a bad grey hoodie. No, baby, you are dancing around and trying to find creative ways NOT to scratch when that is all you want to do.

And last but not least

Products for gas. These, at least, are true.

"I have remained silent but deadly!!!" I laugh everytime this commercial comes on. What can I say? I'm really a twelve year old boy, I STILL think fart jokes are funny.

That's it for today. I have probably blogged myself out for the week.

TTFN!!!